Sibling Hatred

"The girls" have been apart of our lives now for almost two years. This picture was taken on their first night they visited us during a Christmas hosting trip in 2005. We've always thought of "them" together, but as we've learned in the past four-and-a-half months, they are completely different people with completely different needs and personalities.

We are pleased with the progress they've made, but there have been many surprises and unexpected challenges. The biggest one being the bitterness that has developed between them. They have deep resentment for each other and it makes things very difficult around the house.

We've postponed counseling because of the communication problems, but perhaps it's time to take action because our intervention doesn't seem to be helping much in this department.

Adding to the frustration is that they seem to be incapable of expressing their feelings at more than a surface level. Getting them to answer any sort of open-ended question such as "How do you feel about....." results in a shrug.

I guess this makes sense because they've never had anyone care about how they felt. Certainly they feel something, but they have a hard time identifying it. At first, I thought it was just an issue of them not trusting us with their feelings, but I'm beginning to think that it is much deeper and darker than that.

We love our daughters and are actually enjoying them very much as individuals. But the contempt they have for each other is troubling and only appears to be getting worse.

I pray for wisdom about how to handle this situation.

Anastasia's Almanac and Other Blogs

Thanks to all who posted comments on my Daughter's blog. We had to change her address and she has reposted everything. She has put up a new post about our family Borscht party at: http://anastasiasalmanac.blogspot.com/

And, if you dont' know about these two families in Odessa right now, do yourself a favor and follow the adventures of The Landrum's and Nataliya and Oleg. They are some of our dearest blog friends and are both adopting older girls. They are excellent bloggers with great stories to tell.

Also, to get a glimpse of what life is like in the very early stages of life at home with two newly adopted daughters (along with three bio kids), check out the O'Hara family blog, who just returned from Odessa a few weeks ago.

Vika's Miracle

On November 11th, I received this message from my friend Ann Matisse ,who, along with many others, has been trying for months to pull off a miracle:

"Now is the time we could really use your prayers,... raise those hands toward heaven for VIKA!!!"

Today, that prayer was answered, as announced by Ann:

"Vika got her visa. I am so excited! ... Please say a "thank you" prayer for His excellent help."

This was a longshot to say the least. It's not easy to get a student visa for children who've aged out of the orphanage, and many of us were despairing for sweet Vika, who is loved by everyone who knows her, in Ukraine and America.

But when I learned that Vika's cause was being advocated by Ann, along with Vinny Rossini and Larisa Papay of Frontier Horizon, I knew that anything was possible.

Vika will live with the Matisse family in Michigan, and study English at a local community college, where she will work toward the goal of enrolling in courses for credit.

This is such joyful news. After spending so much time around the friends of our adopted children last summer, you are assured of returning home with a heavy heart for the vast majority of these older kids who will never be adopted. Dana and I were alarmed at Vika's appearance last summer, and to see how her vivacious personality had diminished as she spent most of her time on the streets. Larisa said she reminded her of a "stray cat."

Well, Vika will now be under the care of Ann, who happens to be a veterinarian!

Thank you Ann, Vinny and Larisa, and praise God from this blessing flows.

Book Recommendations

"If you don't read good books, you will read bad ones."

-C.S. Lewis

I finished reading Nicholas and Alexandra several days ago and haven't stopped thinking about it. Much of my reading is devoted to biography and history and this extraordinary story of Russia's last Tsar, World War I, and the Russian Revolution, has to be the finest book in this category I've ever read. It is also one of Dana's favorites, and she rarely reads history.

I studied about the Soviet Union before we adopted Christian from Russia, so I've always been intrigued by its fascinating history, but this book put things in perspective better than anything I've come across.

Robert Massie writes with great respect for the Russian people and with all the flair of a great novelist. I don't think I've ever responded to a book so emotionally as he describes the tragedy surrounding the Romanovs and Russia's descent into the bloodbath of the 20th Century. His prose is plain, but beautiful and I guarantee you won't be disappointed.

I also highly recommend his Pulitzer Prize winning biography of Peter The Great. Even if you are strictly a fiction reader, don't hesitate to check out either of these incredible books. The stories are better than any novelist could dare to imagine. Nothing comes close to the real-life drama of Russian history.

Both of these books are fast paced, supreme reading experiences which will help you better understand the tumultous part of the world where our adopted children are from.

Sensory Integration Disorder

This is perhaps the most personal thing I've ever posted because it's very hard for me to write about things we struggle with. Because blogging is so public, there are things you just don't talk talk about here. But one of things I love about the adoption blogging community is that it is so encouraging and supportive, and it is in that spirit I am sharing our experience with this baffling topic.

If you are adopting a child from Eastern Europe, I urge you to educate yourself about Sensory Integration Disorder. This is something our precious son has, as do most children who were "cribbed" for long periods of time without nurturning or stimulation of any kind. It is also common to children who were born prematurely and were incubated. I don't think either one of our older adopted children have this problem, as they did not go to the orphanage until age five.



Earlier this year, Christian's Montessori teacher sugggested we have him tested for this. We quickly ordered books she suggested such as The Out of Sync Child, and instantly realized that there was a name for some of Christian's peculiar behavior.



I mention this being so personal because after learning about this, I knew that I had not been the great parent I thought I was. What I thought was disobedience many times was not. He does not like to wear short sleeve shirts, or shorts, even when it's 100 degrees outside. He would much rather sweat.



At six years old, he is still afraid to ride a bicyle, or even sit on his tractor. Instead, he pushes his tractor all over the yard, but if I suggest he rides, he becomes frantic with fear.

He still tries to find ways to stimulate himself, just as he rocked himself in his crib five years ago. The funny position he's in while watching TV is an example of that. There are many, many other symptoms and odd behaviors associated with Sensory Integration Disorder. Please read about it now, even if you feel certain that your adopted child is OK. Christian sees an occupational therapist weekly, and we are much relieved that we finally have some tools to use in helping our sweet boy. Also be advised that this is something many teachers, doctors and therapists are not aware of. It gets misdiagnosed all the time as ADHD, Oppositional Defiant Disorder, or even autism.


Also a word to Christian parents who rightly want to raise their children "Biblically." I've read Dobson's book about raising a strong willed child, and Ted Tripp's "Shepherdering A Child's Heart." Both good books, but I must say that I failed my son badly by using the Dobson/Tripp discipline model for Christian for more than four years.



These guys are big on spanking and make a sound Biblical case for it. But spanking a child with Sensory Integration Disorder, who is screaming because he doesn't want to put on a short sleeve shirt is counter productive to say the least. He or she is not being disobedient! Please read about this and you'll understand.



When I learned that many kids with this don't like to wear short sleeves, I cried. I had spanked Christian many times when he refused to wear short sleeves because I thought he was being disobedient. I was wrong and I'm afraid I did much harm. I am a professing Christian believer, but I warn you that you will get alot of unsolicited and bad advice from well meaning Christians on how to discipline your adopted child. My advice is to throw out Dobson and Tripp, and learn about this very real affliction.

We are now moving forward, and optimistic that we can help Christian to thrive in this broken and disordered world. Now that we know about this, we are much better equipped to do that.

Congratulations Slava and Alyona!

No, these are not Ukrainian movie stars! Slava and Alyona served as our adoption team in Odessa, but soon became our friends and now they are husband and wife. I spent alot of time with this couple and was struck by how much they focused on their ministry together (read about it here). They weren't preoccupied with buying a big house or moving up in their careers, but with how much they could help the poor children of a small town near Odessa. We pray for all God's blessings upon their ministry and marriage.


We had the privilege of getting to know most of the amazing Puzanov family and wish we could've been there to celebrate with them! So Tolik, who's the young lady?

Halloween

Cat Woman and Captian Hook on the loose!