"The girls" have been apart of our lives now for almost two years. This picture was taken on their first night they visited us during a Christmas hosting trip in 2005. We've always thought of "them" together, but as we've learned in the past four-and-a-half months, they are completely different people with completely different needs and personalities.We are pleased with the progress they've made, but there have been many surprises and unexpected challenges. The biggest one being the bitterness that has developed between them. They have deep resentment for each other and it makes things very difficult around the house.
We've postponed counseling because of the communication problems, but perhaps it's time to take action because our intervention doesn't seem to be helping much in this department.
Adding to the frustration is that they seem to be incapable of expressing their feelings at more than a surface level. Getting them to answer any sort of open-ended question such as "How do you feel about....." results in a shrug.
I guess this makes sense because they've never had anyone care about how they felt. Certainly they feel something, but they have a hard time identifying it. At first, I thought it was just an issue of them not trusting us with their feelings, but I'm beginning to think that it is much deeper and darker than that.
We love our daughters and are actually enjoying them very much as individuals. But the contempt they have for each other is troubling and only appears to be getting worse.
I pray for wisdom about how to handle this situation.
8 comments:
Jim, as someone following the same path as you, I believe I can understand exactly where you are. Our girls did not spend the last few years together, but I can see an interesting experience when something occurs in the family. Our bio kids stick together and our Ukraine Girls stick together.
I know that the crucialness of God knitting our families together is key! That his grace may extend to our families and give us the patience to seek His face and His will for our families.
In our prayers brother!
I think you are doing the right thing about the counseling. They are such a good girls individually, and I'm sure they'll have a normal sibling relationship, it just takes time...
Send my love to Galya and Nastia from another "odessitka" (born in Odessa)
Counseling is a great idea.
And while I have no knowledge or experience in an adoption situation, I can say that my sister and I were like that at about their ages. We were bitter towards each other. We didn't get along that well, and everything turned into a fight. Fortunatly, it didn't last long.... so maybe it's just part of being sisters.
Hi. I'm glad I found your blog. I don't remember reading it before. We have adopted four girls. Sveta then 8 and Anna then 7 back in Sept 2005, then Annalyn just last year at age 8, and Rachel just last month at age 11.
I just wanted to say hi.
God Bless.
I hope that things get better between your girls.
That's painful to hear and I know much more painful to experience. We will be praying for unity for the girls and wisdom for you and Dana.
We're sorry to hear this. We're PAP's right now and expect to experience this when we bring home our unknown children. My brother closest to me in age and I really resented each other when we were that age. Actually, we almost killed each other in our last real fight; not a good thing. We are now two of the closest siblings in our family, go figure. I pray that this is just a temporary stage for them.
I've read where some parents whose children don't verbalize their emotions were able to draw pictures of how they felt. Then they were able to explain what the picture meant. I don't know if it's appropriate here, but thought I'd mention it.
Our prayers are with all of you.
WE didn't bring home sisters - just one - but it took quite a while before she could express her emtions. You're right in that this may be only time anyone cared about their emotions. Also they just don't have the vocabularly (In RUssian or English) to express it. A counselor experienced in adoption - and there are some out there may be helpful. Do you have an international adoption clinic in your area who could direct you?
I hope the girls will start expressing their feelings more to you and Dana. I know it must be hard when they won't talk about it. I am sorry they are having a hard time with each other right now. I do hope this passes soon. We will be praying for all of you during this trial.
I saw your comment on Leslie's blog. Don't worry about it...lol I thought it was so sweet that Grisha took Kristina's suitcase. We have 2 other boys and that is a big deal to us teaching them how to be gentlemen. And it seems Grisha has already started that and it makes me proud. Oh, there is a family from South Dakota that is adopting Sergei. They hope to travel in the spring. God is so good ALL THE TIME!
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