You Cannot Do Otherwise

On occasion I receive private emails from prospective parents at various stages of the Ukraine adoption process. It's always amusing and humbling that someone would seek my advice, but I love having an opportunity to share our experience and hope with other families. Most everyone is experiencing some degree of fear - everything from the home study (no big deal), driving in Ukraine (very scary!) or dealing with hurting children.

It took us 18 months from the beginning to the end of our "process" and we faced much fear. But I was continually inspired and encouraged by all the great adoption blogs, especially those who were in Ukraine. At times I thought we would never get there and back, and the anxiety of actually making it all happen was overwhelming.

I think this why you see so many of us writing about our faith. We realize that we can only do so much. The results and timing are entirely in God's hands. But sometimes we forget that and are vulnerable to discouragement along the way. So, for anyone who is getting jittery, let me suggest that you do yourself a favor and read the brilliant biography of John Adams, by David McCullough.

I live in the land of Patrick Henry, Thomas Jefferson and George Washington, but after reading this magnificent account of our second President, Adams takes a backseat to none, and is arguably the cream of the crop. Certainly, none of the other luminaries of the American Revolution shared Adams' devout Christian faith. He had never sailed on a sea-going ship before, but with unbelievable courage, he accepted an assignment for a dangerous transatlantic diplomatic mission to France in the middle of the war, with his ten year old son! McCullough writes:

"He was embarking on a 3,000 mile voyage on the North Atlantic in its most treacherous season...Adams was leaving his wife, children, friends, his home, his livelihood, everything he loved. He was risking his life and that of his small son, risking capture and who knew what horrors and indignities as a prisoner. At age forty-two he was bound for an unimaginably distant world apart, with very little idea of what was in store and every cause to be extremely apprehensive. But with his overriding sense of duty, his need to serve, his ambition, and as a patriot fiercely committed to the fight for independence, he could not have done otherwise."

Indeed the voyage nearly killed everyone on board, but Adams and young John Quincy made it and went on to turn the tide of our nation's future. When I read the above words I thought of how adoptive parents feel likewise. Despite all the insanity one goes through by choosing to adopt in wild and wonderful Ukraine, we could not have done otherwise!

Today in church, we were reminded of the words of Psalm 139:16: "All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." As our pastor put it, God ordains our birth and death. It is all in His hands and we no longer have to be overwhelmed by our anxiety over what could go wrong. In fact, we can live courageously because our life is not our own!

I am grateful to all you who've written me heartfelt messages. Many of you prayed for us during our seven week adventure, and I am happy to return the favor as you step out in faith - you can not do otherwise.

Adopted By God

A young man in our church who is a first year seminarian at Covenant Theological Seminary surprised me at Christmas by giving me a book by one of his professors titled "Adopted by God."

Jeremy has always taken a great interest in our adoption drama, and it was especially touching that he wanted me to have a book emphasizing a Biblical teaching that hits so close to home, as all three of our children are adopted.

Some of this book was very hard to get through, as Peterson intersperses stories from adults who were betrayed by their earthly fathers. Barbara writes:

I remember the day my dad left. He knelt and hugged me and cried. The skimpy dress of a five year old girl could not protect me from the chill that gathered around my arms and legs. The scratchy, tickly whiskers - would I feel them no more? The arms that felt so safe - would they be gone forever?

As I read this I thought about our girls and the father who abandoned them, but also about the hurt and pain of my childhood, and it occured to me that this is something I suspect many adoptive parents can relate to. What kind of people are attracted to bring a hurting child into their homes? Undoubtedly, adoptive parents are people with big hearts, but I think in many cases, we are also people who had difficult childhoods. It is no coincidence that Dana and I both came from abusive, alcoholic families and it's no surprise that we've brought two teenage girls into our family who came from far worse situations than ours. From the absolute wreckage of our past, God has redeemed us and equipped us to enter into the lives of others who've experienced brokenness.

Our Father poured His grace and mercy out on us and made us His children. It took me a long time to apprehend this, but because I've been adopted too, I don't have to regret the past:

When the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under the law, that we might receive the full
rights of sons." (Gal. 4:4-5)

Yes, we are His children, but there's a part of this that we would rather avoid, as Peterson warns:

This means that sharing in Christ's sufferings are a normal part ofthe Christian life. It comes with the territory. Belonging to Christ involves sharing in all that is his, including suffering now and glory later.

I don't like to hear this. I'm ready for things to start getting easier, but I write this on a day when Dana and I are struggling with one of our children and faced with some big decisions. So when I read that we share in Christ's sufferings, I am actually encouraged. We have a worldwide family (much of which is being actively persecuted) called the church that carries our burdens with us, and most importantly, a brother who knows our struggles and intercedes to the Father on our behalf.

Reading this book has been difficult, but it's also been a great blessing as I learn more about what it means to be an adoptive father and an adopted son of God.

Thanks Jeremy!

Six Months!

Oh my!.....My daughter Anastasia has just informed me that today is the six month anniversary of our Virginia homecoming! She has updated her blog with some thoughts on school, homework and a beautiful Psalm she composed for her Bible class!

Mountain Men

I had to share some images of an exhilirating experience I had this weekend! A couple of men in our church are avid hikers and I joined them on a day trip to Shenandoah National Forest for a hike up Stony Man Mountain. It was a spectacular day, made all the more memorable by a special surprise (read on!).

Nothing like taking in views such as this to attack the mid winter doldrums!

"Behold how good and how pleasant it is

for brethren to dwell together in unity."

Mark Youndt (left), Bryce Allison and me.

During lunch Mark led us in singing "Rock of Ages." He's a retired pastor who can discuss any and every topic that comes up, and we covered alot of ground on this trip!

Bryce is lured to highlands by his ancestry. He's a Scotsman and therefore known as the Scottish Mountain Goat.

As we progressed, I casually mentioned how curious it was that we hadn't seen any wildlife...

When suddenly, this enormous doe crossed our trail. I estimated she would tip the scales at 170 pounds or more. The really incredible thing is, she just looked right back at us and went on about her business, not the least bit concerned by our presence.

We continued on our merry way for a couple of minutes, and were stopped dead in our tracks by a sight that took my breath away.....

MR. MAC DADDY MONSTER BUCK! (how bout this bad boy Ashley?) It was easily the biggest buck I've ever seen up close. He had a perfect 10-point rack, and was huge -- probably close to 200 pounds, and just like the doe, he didn't run! The deer in Shenandoah National Forest aren't hunted, so they're not afraid of people and we stood there, paralyzed with Buck Fever. Luckily, Bryce had the presence of mind to take some pics. This was the icing on the cake to an already magnificent day, thanks be to God.

Rats Rule!

"The cat will lie down with the rat."

Isaiah 65:25 (my paraphrase)

After being disparaged on Leslie's blog, :) I felt obliged to come to the defense of the rats. They are awesome pets! Admittedly, I felt much the same as Leslie and probably most everyone, but as we considered granting Galyna's wish for a small pet, we kept hearing the same thing over and over from people at the pet stores: Rats are the best. As you can see in this shot, everything about these amazing creatures come as huge surprise. Our cats are actually afraid of them!

Aren't they lovely? Their home is a cage of course, but they run around Galyna's room all the time and are very playful and fun. Why are rats the best? For starters, they are highly intelligent, and it doesn't take long to appreciate this. The rat propaganda even says they can learn tricks and obey commands. We haven't gotten that far, but I can say that Ashley and Gabriella have distinctive personalites, and they do seem to recognize you - I'm not kidding! I've never seen a child who loves animals as much as Galyna. Of course she wants a dog (and a horse!), but the rats have been a great learning experience, as she has responsibility to feed them and clean their cage regularly. The rats have been great practice for Galyna and Christian, who has announced that he would like his own pair!

When I asked Galyna a few days ago why Gabriella was not allowed out of her cage, she said, "Gabriella has conz-a-quence" - something Galyna is quite familiar with!

Just look at that adorable face! Now Leslie, don't you feel bad? Oh, I forgot to mention, the best part is that rats don't stink nearly as bad as hamsters or gerbils. If you clean the cage once a week, you don't smell em at all.

The Amazing Fumias

For the longest time, she was just "Ashley" who always left uplifting comments on our blog. Aside from knowing that she is in the process of adopting a fine young man I had met in Odessa, I figured she was another adoptive parent who was pretty much like me.

Oh my, was I wrong! It is such a privilege to learn about the lives of other adoptive families and I just read about the remarkable Fumia family of Mississippi. Ashley and her husband J.C. are in the process of raising money for their adoption. You must go and read the entire post on Ashley's blog, but here's an excerpt:

I first would like to tell you how God has blessed us. He has blessed us in so many ways, but I'd like to tell you about this one. As most of you know, we like to live off the land. We grow our vegetables and hunt for our meat. For the non-hunters out there you may not appreciate this but for those of you that are, you will certainly know where we are coming from. This is our source of food and how we live. We do not hunt for sport. It is strictly to feed our family.

How we honor God with our lifestyle is a question I've been wrestling with lately, and I am grateful to the Fumias for their awesome demonstration of simple, abundant living. As Dana and I consider making some radical changes, the Fumias inspire. We can't all go out and hunt for our own food, but I think all of us have much to learn from this family.

In fact, the rest of the country could stand to learn alot from Mississippians in general. Yep, the poorest state in the nation is also the most giving of all states when it comes to per-capita charitable donations! (In case you were wondering, the wealthy New England states are the worst....hmmm).


Hooray for Grisha, that he will live in the great state of Mississippi and be part of a family that brings great glory to God!

Why Not Boys?

One of the hardest things about the Ukrainian adoption experience is you spend alot of time around your adopted children's friends and you leave them behind knowing most will never be adopted, especially in the case of boys. This is unfortunate.

Why is it that 80 percent of adoptions are of girls? My theory is that, in most cases, the mom is the one pushing the adoption, and moms are more likely to want a girl. Also, the conventional wisdom is that boys are more trouble and a much greater risk. Let's face it, we get a bum rap.

But that is a serious misperception according to Vinny Rosini of Frontier Horizon. I will always grateful to him for being honest about this. Vinny says that by far, the most difficult category is post-pubescent girls. Without a doubt, they have the most post adoption problems. Despite this, you see them being adopted all the time, while few families ever consider adopting an older boy.

We saw Volva almost every day, and it hurt so much to see his precious smile, knowing that he was losing hope of finding a family. I'd love to see him get adopted, and am confident he would thrive. The few boys I'm familiar with who've been adopted from Ukraine are doing very well indeed, and I met many in Odessa who I immediately liked and felt would transition well in America.

I'll never forget walking past this group of boys at Orphanage #4. They were just hanging out with nothing to do, and I walked by them with my camera, on my way to an outing with our girls. As we exchanged head nods, I couldn't help imagining what they were thinking. Like, "What's wrong with me....why do you rich Americans only come over here and adopt pretty girls?"

These boys are smart, healthy, talented, and have so much potential. It breaks my heart to think about their bleak futures.

We have been very lucky because our daughters are doing great and we love them dearly. But if we ever go back, I'm going to lobby for a boy. If you are considering adopting an older child and haven't made up your mind, please think about giving one of these boys a chance.